Turmoil

This last week has been very tough for me. I have found that I like to use blogs or journals as w ay to express my feelings, and I can do it here since I only know of one person who may read my ramblings and I am not worried if that person thinks I am insane....we all are a little insane....

The week started out with much turmoil between people I greatly admire and I saw things being said which I couldn't ignore but I couldn't respond too. I was greatly affected by the turmoil. I saw people getting hurt, I saw people reacting in anger, I saw people just being plain nasty.

What gets me in all this is those people are role models and acting like children. These people were making comments for the general public to see, not hiding the nastiness at all. They had no problems airing others dirty laundry but refused to let their dirty laundry be aired.

These people are looked up to whether they like it or not they are "masters" of their chosen path, but ignored their training and reacted, instead of using their training. They preach and preach to you and us, but when push comes to shove they can't be relied on. I know we are all human and we all make mistakes, but when you make the same mistake over and over and you do not learn, you are no "master" of anything, well you are a "master" of being a complete asshole.

Yeah I guess you could say I am hurt in all this. I am not sure who I can trust anymore. I know I am learning to trust myself, but that is a daily thing.

Then to top it all off I fucked up badly at work. I went off half cocked without all the information tried to screw my troop with talking to her first (not sexually) and got made to look like a complete fool/idiot/incompetent asshole and I deserved it. I lost the trust of a good troop, and lost my self respect. When she tried to talk to me, I clammed up and made things worse. No I am not depressed, just irratated at myself....I know I learned something from it, but damn that is not much comfort.

Then last night I thought I had the hook up at the Holiday Party. A Beautifull girl that I have seen around in my Group and I have spoken with a few times, well anyway we seemed to hit off setting up for said Holiday Party. I was really looking forward to it. Well the party rolls around and she shows up looking absolutley gorgeous and all of a sudden I didn't exist. I could not get her to say 1 word to me, I tried to catch her eye and got a very cold look in return. So I figure she is there to hook up with some one else and no big deal right? Earlier that day I asked a friend about her since he seemed to know her, well he asked a coworker for me ( I was standing there) and yes she was single and the coworker said she is loopy and he stays away from her.......right........As we were all leaving I saw that coworker get into a car with her and started making out with her. The dude is Married, and his wife is gorgeous.......I don't get the mentality

Oh well such is life

more later......I need to calm down again